The revolving door of attorneys momentarily employed by
censorious asshats Roca Labs has now produced this gem: the company wants to amend its complaint in its suit against PissedConsumer.com to allege that it’s defamatory to call them “censorious asshats” (which they are.)
In a complaint so long — clocking in at three hundred and fifty-four paragraphs — and saturated with images that it had to be sent to the court in four separate files, Roca “Censorious Asshats™” Labs is very angry. I’ve stitched the complaint together below, if your computer is capable of handling seventy-four pages of censorious asshattery.
The Roca Labs saga of censorious asshatting is so sprawling that it’s difficult to recount all of it succinctly. Suffice to say, the “nutritional supplement” company has made a name for itself in first demanding that customers sign away any right to criticize the company or its products and then suing a website, PissedConsumer.com, which had the audacity to allow its users to do exactly that. Roca Labs has sued PissedConsumer, commenters on PissedConsumer, PissedConsumer’s lawyer, witnesses who submitted declarations criticizing the company, a blogger who criticized the company’s practice of suing its critics, and threatened lawsuits against media outlets covering its lawsuits, the Better Business Bureau for criticizing them and a web host for hosting a blog that criticized them. They’re also being sued (by PissedConsumer) over their threats to sue for defamation.
Roca Labs has cornered the censorious asshattery market for at least the last two quarters of fiscal year 2014, and they’re bullish on 2015.
In this case, Roca Labs is facing an early motion for summary judgment from PissedConsumer. In response, Roca Labs presented next to no evidence and complained that they needed more time and discovery to gather evidence for issues like whether they, themselves, are public figures (something they shouldn’t need any discovery for at all.) The attorney who filed that response has now been replaced, and the new attorney — Roca’s third or fourth in five months — is trying to avoid summary judgment by seeking the court’s permission to file a new complaint to add new causes of action.
Among the allegations in Roca’s proposed complaint are that PissedConsumer and their attorneys said some mean, nasty things, things which are defamatory, on Twitter:
If you think censorious asshats should get slapped around, toss a few bucks at the fight against Roca Labs. http://t.co/01gW1BE4dx
— Marc J. Randazza (@marcorandazza) January 4, 2015
Some fucker put Roca Labs’ shit in my kids’ candy bag!
— Marc J. Randazza (@marcorandazza) November 1, 2014
— Ron Coleman (@RonColeman) October 28, 2014
— Pissed Consumer (@pissedconsumer) October 16, 2014
It’s not defamation to call someone a censorious asshat. It’s pure, unadulturated opinion, particularly when the audience is plainly aware of the rampant censorious asshattery being temporarily indulged by indiscriminate courts, both state and federal, all over the state of Florida. How does one prove that they are or are not asshats? Is there an objective standard that could somehow be fashioned? “Your honor, as you can see, we are not any type of hat. We’re people. Thin people. If you’d like to be as thin as us, boy do we have the product for you, unless you’re the talkative type.” If Carl Sagan can’t sue for being called a butthead astronomer, these censorious asshats are screwed.
It’s opinion so pure you can smuggle it in from Colombia straight through the Florida Keys. And that’s to say nothing of hyperbole, which can’t be held to be a statement of fact, or truth — after all, to sue over being called a censorious asshat is by definition to be of the genus asshattius censorious.
And claiming that it’s defamatory to call your lawsuit a “SLAPP” — a lawsuit which explicitly asks the court for a declaration that the defendant “remove all negative content” — well, that’s censorious asshattery with chutzpah.
So that’s why I can say that Roca Labs, its owners, and the attorneys willing to represent it through its prolific SLAPP suits are censorious asshats, through and through.
And, say, isn’t Roca Labs up for Popehat’s 2014 Censorious Asshat of the Year award?